Not a Saccharine Mum

imageWarning! SPOILER ALERT – Bitch blog, no not really, but as I have started to process my own thoughts and experiences into a blog, I have been reading more mummy blogs to get an idea of other women’s experiences. Of course, all our experiences of motherhood and this journey into it will be unique. However, jeez, everything isn’t so perfect or positive, and afraid my blog isn’t for the faint hearted, I do not put a positive spin on everything, sometimes life is really shit and let’s just be honest enough to say that it is, OK with humour when possible, yet it is fine if one day humour doesn’t live here anymore.

I never understood the saccharine sweet mums, never, never, having babies isn’t all wonderful, it is bloody hard work and yet there are moments of joy of course along the way. Maybe I come across as a moaning ninny haha, well sometimes I am, but I am nothing, but honest. I didn’t get that warm glow of love when my son was born, I had a burning sensation between my legs though. I clearly remember thinking at one point I am not going to push anymore, I give up, then changed my mind and thought lets get on with it and get it over and done with, and finally the astonishment that this new life came from me. I think I was in disbelief for a day or two, just like when my test first revealed I was pregnant. Honestly, the love between my son and me was a slow burn, I got the responsibility, I always got that, and it was a life changer, one sometimes I couldn’t cope with. At times I wanted to run away, wanted my old life back, but now I cannot imagine what to do with the free time I had a little bit more of (OK, sometimes I do) and a son that makes me laugh, and tries my patience at the same time. I will never imagine what that instant love feels like when a baby is born, I didn’t experience it, it took a lot longer for me to feel it, and almost a year of knowing my son. Also it started blossoming a month or two before I went back to work, I didn’t take the full year off as I couldn’t afford to, but in hindsight I wish I had despite the lack of money.

I looked forward to getting back to the routine of work as I really am not cut out for the stay at home mum routine, I do not enjoy mummy social circles, although really did try with that. The thing that was the most difficult part was my son was a very clingy, Velcro baby and I couldn’t bear the anguish of him not being happy when I left him. Really this is not me being just an overanxious mum, but the first nursery really did not cope with him so that did not fill me with confidence, the next childminder we tried showed herself to be more promising, but then couldn’t handle his terrible twos behaviour and kept calling us out of work to collect him, even though he wasn’t ill. Finally the nursery he now attends has cracked it, it’s not been a perfect experience, but he settled in much better than I anticipated there, and they have worked better with us than any of the others. It really pleases me now when I leave him there that I can see he enjoys the experience. However, the lack of good childcare has really been astounding, God knows how they will cope when this UK government roll out 30 free hours childcare out in a year’s time? Yes, not bitter I am missing out on it haha If I knew what I did now I would have prepared things a lot differently before going back to work. I would have used my annual leave to go back part time for the first month or two, so both of us could have got use to the transition of me going back to work and my son being cared for by someone else in a more gradual way. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but pretty useless haha I am also jealous of those whose return to work seemingly appearing for it to be a breeze, I guess it must be possible, but to me that would just seem like a work of fiction.

Our routine is more or less stable and good now, but don’t be scared to say everything isn’t alright and talk, be honest and seek help & support if you need to from a close friend or member of the family or even a health professional as being a working mum isn’t easy, in fact, being any kind of mum isn’t.

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