Blah!

Feeling blah!

First week we have really tested the back to work/school routine, done our best, but time is tight and puts us under pressure. My lo has seemed happy, but yes, still getting into trouble, groan, headteacher now wants a meeting with me. Not even thinking about it. My son’s referral assessment appointment finally came through earlier this week too after all the drama that came with trying to achieve getting it in the first place.

Feeling tired, tired and not even where I want to be at work, not talking about job roles, but just with my workload. My OH still being stretched thin with his mum going back into hospital again, just don’t know when the drama will stop.

Trying to have a nice weekend, saw an interesting production of the Stick Man today with my two favourite boys, and hoping for another good Gymnastics session tomorrow morning for my son like we had last week!

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Last night before…

No, not Christmas, but before starting school.

School uniform bought & all labelled ticked.

Stories about starting school read to our boy ticked.

Settling in sessions attended ticked.

Continued going to weekend playgroup to mix with other children ticked.

Mummy more nervous and apprehensive than my son, most definitely!

We had a nice last day before starting school, managed to do a few overdue chores to the house over the weekend, it made me feel better before we had a home visit from his teachers. He was better behaved than the time the health visitor came to see us, perhaps because the focus was more on him and felt the health visitor focused too much on my history than on my son, which was actually really draining for me.

We had a nice afternoon at soft play and the playground, gave him a relaxing bath and a bit more time to play with his trains before bed, and let him choose some books from our last library visit for his bedtime story. So, time now to settle my own nerves and hope my boy has a nice first morning at school.

 

Our weekend and starting school countdown

We had a pretty good bank holiday weekend, stayed local, enjoyed the newly refurbished local splash park before it broke down on one of the hottest weekends of the year, grrr, typical ha! Had a lovely morning at our usual weekend morning playgroup, Thomas themed it as went to watch the new Thomas the Tank engine film at the cinema and also went to a Thomas Play Experience session, big layout track, motorised trains and lots of kids(big & small)!

Got a week left until my son starts school, yes, the 7 day countdown has begun, feeling nervous, more than my son most probably. It doesn’t help that all the childcare issues over the last few months haven’t built up our confidence. Feel the nursery washed their hands of him and the state of their arithmetic really meant 2+2=5, that is the best analogy I can come up with how they were drawn to their conclusions and made the relationship between us unteneable. The childminder who we once thought was promising seemed to be hinting our son was possessed like The Omen and coming up with unprofessional diagnosis’. The health visitor who we have been dealing with is absent minded, I think she was just hoping to get us off her books and never hear from us again, oh well, sorry to disappoint. What can I say about starting school? Trying to keep positive, finally got school shoes last weekend for him, don’t think we have anything left to get for the winter. We have read a few stories from the library about starting school to him and got some starting school exercise books that my mum or myself have worked with him a bit on. I am hoping for a miracle or answers once and for all, wish us luck we need it!

The Demolition

I am not very good at remembering my dreams, but every now and then one will stick in my memory and they either are very pleasant or mainly it’s the odd or strange ones that I remember.

I think recent events have put these thoughts in my mind, and I dreamed that I was going to visit the place where I was first abused. The old flat and it’s dark eerie hallway that lead to the front door still haunts me to this day. My dad was helping his relative to do his food shopping and I think my dad didn’t have his car at the time, and I walked with him to the place. I was very young and getting tired, and didn’t want to go back out and wanted to rest. The family relative said ‘it’s OK’ to my dad, ‘I will look after her’, and my dad asked ‘are you sure?’, and the person replied, ‘yes, she will be fine’. I immediately went after my dad as he left and shut the door, I ran to the hallway and regretted not going with him as my fate was sealed then, and things would never be the same.

In my dream I was visiting this place again, I never got into the flat although for some reason in the dream I wanted to face it, yet my conscious mind was fighting this will to face this place. I am pretty sure my subconscious self was confident that my abuser was still dead, however, my conscious mind was not so sure or was scared on what I would find once I got inside. Half the building was being demolished, in reality it may even be demolished now as I know they have plans to do this to a lot of the buildings in the area as it is due for regeneration and I haven’t visited the place where I grew up for sometime now. I didn’t get further than looking at the outside of the half demolished building, I am not sure what I would have faced if the dream continued whether it would be ominous or closure, part of me feels it wouldn’t be the closure that my dream self was craving.

I think recent events with my son’s nursery and their statements, and the new childminder that didn’t work out either and threatened us as well, have brought these events to the forefront of my mind. I don’t normally have dreams about these events, far and few in between. I have been sad and depressed at times about what occurred, but I don’t have many dreams about it.

So far I have read that demolition symbolises a change that is taking part or facing some disturbance or distress in your waking life, both of which are certainly true. I have also read demolished buildings refer to a bunch of feelings connected to a recent conflict, and whatever upset you is not real and should give in, and make peace. Warning that also you may not be the one who wants to initiate the reconciliation, but would be the winner if you do. Well, I certainly don’t want to give in or make peace with anyone that has upset me recently or brought past events to the forefront of my mind, but I do want to move on and getting help for my son if he needs it will be a start, but still uncertain that he does need any special help. However, it has been hard for me not to relapse, panic and shutdown over what had been said, people say you need to tell yourself you’re safe and no one is here to harm you any longer, but I didn’t feel safe at all. I felt what they call ‘hyperarousal’ or ‘hypervigilance’ and no, it is not a good feeling and is the opposite of good. I am slowly calming down from this state and hoping for a fresh start eventually.

The Bombshell

Firstly, I know I said in a previous blog I would try to work with the childminder, but oh well I couldn’t after the third whinge from her and the week before that she insensitively dropped the ‘autism’ bombshell on us.

What has alarmed me at first, my son said she was not around to witness the event, I thought maybe he is lying, but he is not. Although since then she has admitted each time there is an behavioural incident between the two 4 year old boys in her care she is not around. The third time I am starting to lose my patience, yes, I am aware that childminders cannot always be in the same room, but they are still suppose to be in earshot and have everything in sight to what is going on. It is obvious she doesn’t. We already said if my son continued to be disruptive in her care that we would review the contract and whether he should stay there. She decided she wanted his last day to be within her care to be the end of last week, and has been very awkward with refunding us, although we have most of the money back now.

I am in shock on the last day in her care she tells me my son was able to get hold of tent pegs and get near her baby’s head with them, yes, he could have hurt the baby’s head (1 year old child), but he could have hurt himself too. She seems to be completely oblivious to the problem that he shouldn’t have been able to get hold of them in the first place, this situation should not have arose and where was she not to notice he had got hold of these? She admits she shouted at my son that day. However, I also discover unexplained bruises on my son the next morning, and my OH’s mother is admitted back in hospital on Sunday fighting an infection/sepsis. So yes, it has been a shit week again, but have been trying to smile through it, only just.

I am left not knowing what to think about transitioning my son onto school, does he really need a referral, is something really wrong developmentally (as we have always been told no and the health visitor said she had no concerns over his social emotional development on her last visit in July) or have we just been unlucky with shit childcare? The referral is happening, but doesn’t look like anytime soon and because I have asked the childminder about how the bruises happened today she has threatened the LA (local authority) on us. Just unbelievable, but bring it on.

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Any normal parent would question unexplained bruises on their child?

My last thoughts for tonight!

I spent an hour of my life hearing bullshit tonight, I felt I was in some weird trance parallel universe state where I had to bite my tongue. Yes, some of the things my son has done he shouldn’t do, but if people think that children innately know what is right and what is wrong then my dear you are off your trolley. We are here to teach that, and if I pay someone to look after my child I expect them to do the same, give guidance with patience and understanding. To be honest, I expect better off of them as they have had additional training and I haven’t. If you can’t then maybe you are not cut out for the job. Honestly, so much substandard childcare out there. Perhaps, we are just very unlucky, but we are yet to meet our very own super nanny.

Challenging behaviour, and then Paw Patrol

After a difficult few weeks, my son is starting to feel at home at his new childcare arrangements, which you think would be a good thing? He started to perhaps feel relax and confident, so much so that he is comfortable enough to act up. It probably hasn’t helped that his similar aged playmate has just started again after a nearly 2 month absence and my son was very excited about that, and also my son had to take a week off due to the childminder’s own illness. However, last week my son had a very bad day there and I don’t know what to think as the childminder said she thought my son was autistic. To be honest, he does not show the classic signs of it, but whether he does have any other additional needs I don’t know. The health professionals so far have said they are not worried or have any concerns, but I have now pushed for a referral as getting fed up with it and want to rule (I sometimes feel this is nonsense) anything out.
Since that day my son has pretty much been good, and no major tantrums with us, we had a few precursors to ones, but we nipped them in the bud. Nothing like he was the weekend before as we did have a challenging time with him then, but as I say I don’t think the recent change in routine had helped. I am glad his behaviour improved as we got Paw Patrol Live tickets a while back for him, which he loved and although an experience for us (she chuckles), my boy was really good at his first large capacity venue event as it was busy and there was quite a bit of waiting around. However, got his seal of approval as he only says ‘can we go again?’ to things he really likes.