Bemused?

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Fabulous? Yes, really she is!

So what’s the latest?

My son is still a hooligan apparently! I also upset an old distant friend by something I thought was quite funny, oh well.

I am just bemused and slightly amused at the same time, maybe there was an element of truth in there that hit a nerve ha the last time we agreed to meet up, she blew me out by agreeing to go on holiday the same time we were suppose to go to a concert. It was no skin off my nose, as went with my then current bf instead, and still enjoyed it, but didn’t like being let down at the last minute. Still you move on from these things and this was years ago. Still if you jump straight to negative conclusions in a joke, I think it probably says more about your head than mine and have other things to think about than petty drama with people I hardly see.

As for my son’s hooliganism we have the referral appointment to go to in a few weeks time and we have agreed a stricter privilege reward system at home with the school, and see if it helps. However, as for joining in more with the welcoming committee as encouraged that is not going to happen, not after the welcome and the Spanish Inquisition from one parent we experienced.

Still it’s the weekend soon, but regretting getting more baby disco tickets as we are all feeling ill with colds, boo hoo!

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Last night before…

No, not Christmas, but before starting school.

School uniform bought & all labelled ticked.

Stories about starting school read to our boy ticked.

Settling in sessions attended ticked.

Continued going to weekend playgroup to mix with other children ticked.

Mummy more nervous and apprehensive than my son, most definitely!

We had a nice last day before starting school, managed to do a few overdue chores to the house over the weekend, it made me feel better before we had a home visit from his teachers. He was better behaved than the time the health visitor came to see us, perhaps because the focus was more on him and felt the health visitor focused too much on my history than on my son, which was actually really draining for me.

We had a nice afternoon at soft play and the playground, gave him a relaxing bath and a bit more time to play with his trains before bed, and let him choose some books from our last library visit for his bedtime story. So, time now to settle my own nerves and hope my boy has a nice first morning at school.

 

Our weekend and starting school countdown

We had a pretty good bank holiday weekend, stayed local, enjoyed the newly refurbished local splash park before it broke down on one of the hottest weekends of the year, grrr, typical ha! Had a lovely morning at our usual weekend morning playgroup, Thomas themed it as went to watch the new Thomas the Tank engine film at the cinema and also went to a Thomas Play Experience session, big layout track, motorised trains and lots of kids(big & small)!

Got a week left until my son starts school, yes, the 7 day countdown has begun, feeling nervous, more than my son most probably. It doesn’t help that all the childcare issues over the last few months haven’t built up our confidence. Feel the nursery washed their hands of him and the state of their arithmetic really meant 2+2=5, that is the best analogy I can come up with how they were drawn to their conclusions and made the relationship between us unteneable. The childminder who we once thought was promising seemed to be hinting our son was possessed like The Omen and coming up with unprofessional diagnosis’. The health visitor who we have been dealing with is absent minded, I think she was just hoping to get us off her books and never hear from us again, oh well, sorry to disappoint. What can I say about starting school? Trying to keep positive, finally got school shoes last weekend for him, don’t think we have anything left to get for the winter. We have read a few stories from the library about starting school to him and got some starting school exercise books that my mum or myself have worked with him a bit on. I am hoping for a miracle or answers once and for all, wish us luck we need it!

The Demolition

I am not very good at remembering my dreams, but every now and then one will stick in my memory and they either are very pleasant or mainly it’s the odd or strange ones that I remember.

I think recent events have put these thoughts in my mind, and I dreamed that I was going to visit the place where I was first abused. The old flat and it’s dark eerie hallway that lead to the front door still haunts me to this day. My dad was helping his relative to do his food shopping and I think my dad didn’t have his car at the time, and I walked with him to the place. I was very young and getting tired, and didn’t want to go back out and wanted to rest. The family relative said ‘it’s OK’ to my dad, ‘I will look after her’, and my dad asked ‘are you sure?’, and the person replied, ‘yes, she will be fine’. I immediately went after my dad as he left and shut the door, I ran to the hallway and regretted not going with him as my fate was sealed then, and things would never be the same.

In my dream I was visiting this place again, I never got into the flat although for some reason in the dream I wanted to face it, yet my conscious mind was fighting this will to face this place. I am pretty sure my subconscious self was confident that my abuser was still dead, however, my conscious mind was not so sure or was scared on what I would find once I got inside. Half the building was being demolished, in reality it may even be demolished now as I know they have plans to do this to a lot of the buildings in the area as it is due for regeneration and I haven’t visited the place where I grew up for sometime now. I didn’t get further than looking at the outside of the half demolished building, I am not sure what I would have faced if the dream continued whether it would be ominous or closure, part of me feels it wouldn’t be the closure that my dream self was craving.

I think recent events with my son’s nursery and their statements, and the new childminder that didn’t work out either and threatened us as well, have brought these events to the forefront of my mind. I don’t normally have dreams about these events, far and few in between. I have been sad and depressed at times about what occurred, but I don’t have many dreams about it.

So far I have read that demolition symbolises a change that is taking part or facing some disturbance or distress in your waking life, both of which are certainly true. I have also read demolished buildings refer to a bunch of feelings connected to a recent conflict, and whatever upset you is not real and should give in, and make peace. Warning that also you may not be the one who wants to initiate the reconciliation, but would be the winner if you do. Well, I certainly don’t want to give in or make peace with anyone that has upset me recently or brought past events to the forefront of my mind, but I do want to move on and getting help for my son if he needs it will be a start, but still uncertain that he does need any special help. However, it has been hard for me not to relapse, panic and shutdown over what had been said, people say you need to tell yourself you’re safe and no one is here to harm you any longer, but I didn’t feel safe at all. I felt what they call ‘hyperarousal’ or ‘hypervigilance’ and no, it is not a good feeling and is the opposite of good. I am slowly calming down from this state and hoping for a fresh start eventually.

The Bombshell

Firstly, I know I said in a previous blog I would try to work with the childminder, but oh well I couldn’t after the third whinge from her and the week before that she insensitively dropped the ‘autism’ bombshell on us.

What has alarmed me at first, my son said she was not around to witness the event, I thought maybe he is lying, but he is not. Although since then she has admitted each time there is an behavioural incident between the two 4 year old boys in her care she is not around. The third time I am starting to lose my patience, yes, I am aware that childminders cannot always be in the same room, but they are still suppose to be in earshot and have everything in sight to what is going on. It is obvious she doesn’t. We already said if my son continued to be disruptive in her care that we would review the contract and whether he should stay there. She decided she wanted his last day to be within her care to be the end of last week, and has been very awkward with refunding us, although we have most of the money back now.

I am in shock on the last day in her care she tells me my son was able to get hold of tent pegs and get near her baby’s head with them, yes, he could have hurt the baby’s head (1 year old child), but he could have hurt himself too. She seems to be completely oblivious to the problem that he shouldn’t have been able to get hold of them in the first place, this situation should not have arose and where was she not to notice he had got hold of these? She admits she shouted at my son that day. However, I also discover unexplained bruises on my son the next morning, and my OH’s mother is admitted back in hospital on Sunday fighting an infection/sepsis. So yes, it has been a shit week again, but have been trying to smile through it, only just.

I am left not knowing what to think about transitioning my son onto school, does he really need a referral, is something really wrong developmentally (as we have always been told no and the health visitor said she had no concerns over his social emotional development on her last visit in July) or have we just been unlucky with shit childcare? The referral is happening, but doesn’t look like anytime soon and because I have asked the childminder about how the bruises happened today she has threatened the LA (local authority) on us. Just unbelievable, but bring it on.

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Any normal parent would question unexplained bruises on their child?

Sometimes feels like we are actually back at school, rather than my son

After having a really positive weekend last week and starting to feel quite upbeat about things, now feeling deflated again. I had a difficult time with a certain colleague at work and not sure why they were behaving in such a rude manner, but asked for this particular job to be reallocated as I could no longer work with the person and to be honest I am still a little fuming over their tone. However, person is leaving for another job, so end of story dealing with it, but just was not in the best mental place to deal with someone being a twat for no reason with everything that has been going on for us.

My OH’s mum is still in hospital and after 2 weeks of confusingly not knowing what action the hospital has decided to take, they finally know she has broken her hip and still confused why it has taken 2 weeks to discover that, and now his mum is waiting for a operation, which will still take a good deal of time to recover from. I have to say the in and out hospital trips that have been happening since the beginning of this year have been exhausting for all of us.

Then having my son’s nursery inability to look after my son and manage his behaviour has been disappointing as well. I hoped he was getting on well with the new childminder and he seemed to be, the drop offs have got a lot easier and no more dramatic goodbyes. However, this week his pal from his gymnastics sessions has started again, although haven’t seen the boy at the sessions lately.

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On the same wavelength these two, but yes, my lo does need the learn the art of being kind to his friends at times

My son was very excited to have some similar aged company at last with him at the childminders. Although I think this week he has been feeling a little too at home at the childminders, relaxed and himself and over excited about having a playmate, which is a good thing, but with that he shows both his good and bad sides to his personality. I finally get told again that some of his behaviour is unacceptable, her daughter has been dying to tell tales on my son for weeks, but being shushed by her mother and I think perhaps my son irritates the 8 year old girl, I mean I don’t suppose a 4 year old boy and 8 year old girl have much in common. I don’t know how to take it, but as far as the health visitor is concerned there is nothing to worry about his behaviour and he is just displaying normal behaviour for his age. Yes, he can be a monkey at times and some of it is boundary seeking, but most of it is manageable and he is not constantly embarrassing us when we are out with him. It’s disappointing as he has started to enjoy going to the new childminder, and I know he does like the other little boy that is attending, but I am starting to get fed up with those that are fed up of looking after my son because yes, he isn’t always an easy child, but he doesn’t have special needs or any indication that he has. I am not withdrawing him for another childcare provider and will try to work with her, and realise soon he will be spending more time at school and hope that is good for him. The school transition sessions have gone OK, again no dramatic tearful goodbyes, so that is something, he has seemed very happy upon collection, but don’t know fully what he has been like at every session as we only got to witness the first one. I don’t know if he got over excited or did any inappropriate things, but hoping he responded well, but don’t know until we start to get more feedback from the teachers.

Anyway it is a shame as I was just starting to get optimistic and now just feel doubtful, but we are doing our best by our son, we regularly go to playgroups to socialise him with children his age, taken him to story time sessions at the library to work on getting him to sit still and interact with that, preschool gymnastic sessions, helping him to follow instructions, participate in both larger and smaller group activities (he responds better to smaller group activities usually at the moment), wait turns, sit still and develop patience. We walk almost everywhere and try to do lots of physical activity either by going to soft play or outdoor play at playgrounds and parks and swimming when we can. We read to our son every bedtime ourselves.

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Marble Reward Jar, hoping this helps

We are trying to only reward him for good behaviour, have even now got a marble reward jar to help my son visualise when he is being good better. He has always enjoyed filling up jars with coins, so I thought this would be a more simpler way to do it than our previous star chart award system, which was just getting too exhausting for us too keep up with and we’ll probably put that away for when he is a bit older. I don’t know what else we can do, but keep re-emphasising how he should act, but sometimes this parenting lark feels like we going back to school and being told off for something we cannot control while we are not there to supervise.

Drained

Wednesday 12th July 2017

Feeling drained, finally had the health visitor round for a home visit yesterday. Let me say I had to reiterate a lot of things that went on that I rather be moving on with, but at least I got confirmation that no further referral is needed for my son in her opinion. He is just a normal, yet very active mischievous boy. I should crack open the champagne, but don’t quite feel like that as still working on the transition to primary school for him.

Champagne being poured into champagne glasses

He had a stay and play session at his new school yesterday, not sure how it went, but there were no dramatic goodbyes when we left him and he seemed very excited when we collected him from the session. However, have no idea on how he responded to the teaching staff or other children. We have one last session next week before he starts his settling in week in September. A picnic party so let’s see how it goes.

My OH’s mum is in hospital again, to be honest that is getting exhausting dealing with that. However, in between my OH being completely stretched with that and trying to spend some time with us as well, and the drama of two months ago. I am now looking forward to finally taking my boy to visit a farm this weekend, a place we have been meaning to take him for ages, but always never happened. Hoping we can take our mind off of things and enjoy our day there.