The Christmas Meltdown

I have been very quiet on the personal blog front for most of December, because we decided to move, nothing really tying us to our current abode, although the location has been convenient for work, shops, the local park, weekend playgroup and my son’s gymnastics classes, those things we will miss, but never really made any close friends or connections.

The continuing childcare issues that we have experienced here, plus now it seems more financially viable for us to live somewhere else and have a fresh start. So have been organising our relocation like mad, and yes, we must be crazy to do this just before Christmas, but didn’t want to or could afford to put it off any longer. So, wish us luck settling somewhere new and hope my son has better luck settling in his new school, I am a little nervous, but read the new school menu to my son tonight, and he said it is making him hungry, ha, so if only things could continue in that positive manner.

Sending you warmest wishes for a wonderful holiday this Christmas!

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2017 so far

It has been over a year now since my OH got made redundant, and I am proud that he was able to secure another job so quickly and has recently got a temporary promotion. One dark cloud has been lifted, but 2017 has been a so so year for us, with more ups and downs than a rollercoaster. OH’s mum has been in and out of hospital like a yo-yo pretty much all year, after my son’s heart scare was clear and that anxiety was out of the way, his behaviour began deteriorating with all childcare providers and now not even settling into school well, despite these troubles we can see real progress and leaps in his development at home. The mystery is his behaviour for us has been a lot better than it has been for ages, yes, there are some negative moments interspersed along the way, but nothing like school is telling us. I have had him assessed by a paediatrician who thinks nothing is medically wrong, so completely stumped as the school has finally excluded him (one day suspension) and I fear this will just get the ball running on that, and will be one of many. I am not completely happy with the way school has handle things, and yes you might as well say either blame the boy or his parents, but I really don’t believe in this school’s tough love approach. 

Really at the end of our tether about this, OH is under a lot of pressure as he is trying to make a good impression in his new role and I am trying to fulfil the hours I am suppose to do at work, and feel I am just managing to fulfil that part of the bargain.

Overall had such a awful start to my son’s school, despite our best efforts, plus other negative things that have happen during living in our current location. I want to move and my partner agrees, it’s just finding a place and hoping we can find a school that is more suitable for him. I do not believe a move is going to magically solve things, but think we all just need a fresh start. I was honest with my son’s current school with our moving intentions and that he is only staying on at school until the end of this term, and unbelievably they told us not to move, do schools control all aspects of your life these days, from nosey home visits, constant scrutiny and deciding whether you can move house or not?!?!?

Still where possible trying to remain positive, although difficult with things constantly trying to bring us down.

Family shot with Peter Rabbit

Threading beads, yep, he does concentrate sometimes

LO and mummy on our half term adventure

Building towers at Softplay

Pumpkin Patch visit and our lanterns

My son’s poppy remembrance card

Progress at gymnastics

Bemused?

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Fabulous? Yes, really she is!

So what’s the latest?

My son is still a hooligan apparently! I also upset an old distant friend by something I thought was quite funny, oh well.

I am just bemused and slightly amused at the same time, maybe there was an element of truth in there that hit a nerve ha the last time we agreed to meet up, she blew me out by agreeing to go on holiday the same time we were suppose to go to a concert. It was no skin off my nose, as went with my then current bf instead, and still enjoyed it, but didn’t like being let down at the last minute. Still you move on from these things and this was years ago. Still if you jump straight to negative conclusions in a joke, I think it probably says more about your head than mine and have other things to think about than petty drama with people I hardly see.

As for my son’s hooliganism we have the referral appointment to go to in a few weeks time and we have agreed a stricter privilege reward system at home with the school, and see if it helps. However, as for joining in more with the welcoming committee as encouraged that is not going to happen, not after the welcome and the Spanish Inquisition from one parent we experienced.

Still it’s the weekend soon, but regretting getting more baby disco tickets as we are all feeling ill with colds, boo hoo!

Last night before…

No, not Christmas, but before starting school.

School uniform bought & all labelled ticked.

Stories about starting school read to our boy ticked.

Settling in sessions attended ticked.

Continued going to weekend playgroup to mix with other children ticked.

Mummy more nervous and apprehensive than my son, most definitely!

We had a nice last day before starting school, managed to do a few overdue chores to the house over the weekend, it made me feel better before we had a home visit from his teachers. He was better behaved than the time the health visitor came to see us, perhaps because the focus was more on him and felt the health visitor focused too much on my history than on my son, which was actually really draining for me.

We had a nice afternoon at soft play and the playground, gave him a relaxing bath and a bit more time to play with his trains before bed, and let him choose some books from our last library visit for his bedtime story. So, time now to settle my own nerves and hope my boy has a nice first morning at school.

 

Our weekend and starting school countdown

We had a pretty good bank holiday weekend, stayed local, enjoyed the newly refurbished local splash park before it broke down on one of the hottest weekends of the year, grrr, typical ha! Had a lovely morning at our usual weekend morning playgroup, Thomas themed it as went to watch the new Thomas the Tank engine film at the cinema and also went to a Thomas Play Experience session, big layout track, motorised trains and lots of kids(big & small)!

Got a week left until my son starts school, yes, the 7 day countdown has begun, feeling nervous, more than my son most probably. It doesn’t help that all the childcare issues over the last few months haven’t built up our confidence. Feel the nursery washed their hands of him and the state of their arithmetic really meant 2+2=5, that is the best analogy I can come up with how they were drawn to their conclusions and made the relationship between us unteneable. The childminder who we once thought was promising seemed to be hinting our son was possessed like The Omen and coming up with unprofessional diagnosis’. The health visitor who we have been dealing with is absent minded, I think she was just hoping to get us off her books and never hear from us again, oh well, sorry to disappoint. What can I say about starting school? Trying to keep positive, finally got school shoes last weekend for him, don’t think we have anything left to get for the winter. We have read a few stories from the library about starting school to him and got some starting school exercise books that my mum or myself have worked with him a bit on. I am hoping for a miracle or answers once and for all, wish us luck we need it!

The Demolition

I am not very good at remembering my dreams, but every now and then one will stick in my memory and they either are very pleasant or mainly it’s the odd or strange ones that I remember.

I think recent events have put these thoughts in my mind, and I dreamed that I was going to visit the place where I was first abused. The old flat and it’s dark eerie hallway that lead to the front door still haunts me to this day. My dad was helping his relative to do his food shopping and I think my dad didn’t have his car at the time, and I walked with him to the place. I was very young and getting tired, and didn’t want to go back out and wanted to rest. The family relative said ‘it’s OK’ to my dad, ‘I will look after her’, and my dad asked ‘are you sure?’, and the person replied, ‘yes, she will be fine’. I immediately went after my dad as he left and shut the door, I ran to the hallway and regretted not going with him as my fate was sealed then, and things would never be the same.

In my dream I was visiting this place again, I never got into the flat although for some reason in the dream I wanted to face it, yet my conscious mind was fighting this will to face this place. I am pretty sure my subconscious self was confident that my abuser was still dead, however, my conscious mind was not so sure or was scared on what I would find once I got inside. Half the building was being demolished, in reality it may even be demolished now as I know they have plans to do this to a lot of the buildings in the area as it is due for regeneration and I haven’t visited the place where I grew up for sometime now. I didn’t get further than looking at the outside of the half demolished building, I am not sure what I would have faced if the dream continued whether it would be ominous or closure, part of me feels it wouldn’t be the closure that my dream self was craving.

I think recent events with my son’s nursery and their statements, and the new childminder that didn’t work out either and threatened us as well, have brought these events to the forefront of my mind. I don’t normally have dreams about these events, far and few in between. I have been sad and depressed at times about what occurred, but I don’t have many dreams about it.

So far I have read that demolition symbolises a change that is taking part or facing some disturbance or distress in your waking life, both of which are certainly true. I have also read demolished buildings refer to a bunch of feelings connected to a recent conflict, and whatever upset you is not real and should give in, and make peace. Warning that also you may not be the one who wants to initiate the reconciliation, but would be the winner if you do. Well, I certainly don’t want to give in or make peace with anyone that has upset me recently or brought past events to the forefront of my mind, but I do want to move on and getting help for my son if he needs it will be a start, but still uncertain that he does need any special help. However, it has been hard for me not to relapse, panic and shutdown over what had been said, people say you need to tell yourself you’re safe and no one is here to harm you any longer, but I didn’t feel safe at all. I felt what they call ‘hyperarousal’ or ‘hypervigilance’ and no, it is not a good feeling and is the opposite of good. I am slowly calming down from this state and hoping for a fresh start eventually.

The Bombshell

Firstly, I know I said in a previous blog I would try to work with the childminder, but oh well I couldn’t after the third whinge from her and the week before that she insensitively dropped the ‘autism’ bombshell on us.

What has alarmed me at first, my son said she was not around to witness the event, I thought maybe he is lying, but he is not. Although since then she has admitted each time there is an behavioural incident between the two 4 year old boys in her care she is not around. The third time I am starting to lose my patience, yes, I am aware that childminders cannot always be in the same room, but they are still suppose to be in earshot and have everything in sight to what is going on. It is obvious she doesn’t. We already said if my son continued to be disruptive in her care that we would review the contract and whether he should stay there. She decided she wanted his last day to be within her care to be the end of last week, and has been very awkward with refunding us, although we have most of the money back now.

I am in shock on the last day in her care she tells me my son was able to get hold of tent pegs and get near her baby’s head with them, yes, he could have hurt the baby’s head (1 year old child), but he could have hurt himself too. She seems to be completely oblivious to the problem that he shouldn’t have been able to get hold of them in the first place, this situation should not have arose and where was she not to notice he had got hold of these? She admits she shouted at my son that day. However, I also discover unexplained bruises on my son the next morning, and my OH’s mother is admitted back in hospital on Sunday fighting an infection/sepsis. So yes, it has been a shit week again, but have been trying to smile through it, only just.

I am left not knowing what to think about transitioning my son onto school, does he really need a referral, is something really wrong developmentally (as we have always been told no and the health visitor said she had no concerns over his social emotional development on her last visit in July) or have we just been unlucky with shit childcare? The referral is happening, but doesn’t look like anytime soon and because I have asked the childminder about how the bruises happened today she has threatened the LA (local authority) on us. Just unbelievable, but bring it on.

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Any normal parent would question unexplained bruises on their child?