Feelings in reverse order (Thursday 21st June, the longest day literally until now)

Want some kind of life change, knowing that some things can’t change, one thing isn’t changing quickly enough and then after getting through completing something that can bring on a change that I am disatisfied with, but starting to already feel disatisfied with the potential new thing ha in the words of Bono & U2 ‘I still haven’t found what I am looking for’ ha

A few moments peace in our garden earlier today, when we first moved to the property it was the thing I liked least about the new place, but with a few changes and things added feels much better and actually is relaxing to be in. Far from perfect, but better.


Thanks for those that keep visiting the  page and equally to the unlikers, ha had a better night’s sleep last night compared to last couple of nights and strange experience from the night before. Shadow people in the form of what I initially thought was my son, childlike form, neurological phenomen or paranormal who knows? Either way it was unsettling, she’s nuts you think? Yep, but who cares?

Drained, hoping to get more sleep, nice to see one of my son’s dreams come true today and he got to see his favourite steam train, the Flying Scotsman go pass our local station today. He also had a great gymnastics session, despite the initial setback of changing clubs earlier in the year. I actually think he has progressed lots. Just need to work on my current mindset, which feels pretty low and possibly change jobs at some point


I did manage to hold it together for the afternoon, son enjoyed his garden time and play in his mud pit, water table, chalking and watering the plants. However, just as depression is difficult in the sunshine as in the expection should be you are jolly and happy, night times are hard to switch off

Apologies for no posts for a while, well nothing of real substance as of late. I am struggling with anxiety and slight depression again, although not as bad as I experienced a good few years ago. My son’s schooling has not helped, and although I think he is making huge improvements and progress myself. Yet, I got a whiney email from his teacher a few days ago about my son being unsettled, despite informing them on Monday he had just recovered from an earache and could they be mindful about that. Even perhaps get the school nurse to have a look at it, and yes, he was well enough to go as he had no temperature and had been giving him pain relief for it, and on top of that dealing with the workplace stress and my MIL being back in hospital again after the third time within the last month it has all been too much and it’s setting me back. You could say I am whining too, but can only take so much and having a break. Have to say it’s easier to feel negative in the winter, when the weather is sunny the two things just don’t go together.


A letter never sent in the end

Some may wonder why I said on my FB page I was going to be a bit quieter for a while, well it was nothing really major, no loss of life, serious illness or anything. However, my life has been turned upside down for a bit as that dreaded time has come that my son has been no longer enjoying his time at nursery and got suspended. Yes, that’s right my not even 4 year old boy was almost kicked out, but we made the decision not to return him anyway.

This is the letter I almost wanted to send over the weekend to his nursery after the depression started to sink in. The nursery knew that the back up care I had was gone, so feel their recent actions was not just coincidental and accidentally timed to be simultaneously parallel with my mum’s holiday.

The letter never sent

I would like to stress how your knee jerk reaction has made others feel in my family.

A chronically ill woman who already suffers depression who is getting over two recent falls that had immobilised her, sobs her eyes out over her grandson, you are aware of this, my partner’s mother has been in rehabilitating in hospital since March to April.

Spoilt my mum’s holiday already before she has gone on it, a holiday with my older sister and her two boys that she doesn’t see very much as they live a good distance away from her. Now my family’s problems are going to be on her mind throughout her holiday that she should be enjoying and that she can’t support me. My mum lost her brother two years ago, a very dear uncle that my son did meet, but can’t remember and all of us lost my father two years ago, my son never got to see him, only went to the funeral when he was 9 months old. My father had cancer and was just diagnosed days after giving birth. You are not aware of the family bereavements, but you are aware of my mum’s holiday, told his keyworker and additional sessions were booked. This makes me think your actions were predetermined to cause provocation.

My other older sister who is also a survivor of child sexual abuse is very angry you could ever have thought of such a thing, you haven’t denied it either. She has offered me her support as your actions have start to make me feel unwell again and have sent me back into depression, I was possibly going to be weaned off my medication this summer and that is not going to happen now. This sister also has an autistic teenage daughter and is disgusted by your emails, and treatment, this is not support it is purely bullying tactics.

Seriously if you think something like that was happening, why have you been beating around the bush for so long? Why not just go straight to a child protection officer to start a thorough investigation?

Your recent actions make me suspicious of your motives, and are covering something up or just want my son out of the way as he is too much hard work and you are worried how it maybe perceived by not only other parents as the nursery manager said verbally to us, but by an Ofsted inspection, we are not paying you enough anymore and this is more a business matter masquerading as a welfare issue.

My son is a happy, healthy, active and sometimes mischievous boy as he is not even 4 yet, sometimes needs help and guidance with his social skills and his emotions, which he obviously has not been getting at your nursery nor the attention required to stop him from getting bored or disruptive. I believe he has been getting more attention for his bad behaviour than his good behaviour, and will continue to act up if this is the behaviour management tactic taken. I do not believe my son is a serious threat, and his behaviour can be managed. I think your suspension was an over reaction and your staff should not be wearing necklaces around small children anyway as part of your uniform/jewellery policy and for health & safety.

These issues are clearly not going to be resolved as we have repeatedly said we have lost faith and trust in your nursery’s ability to care for our son and manage behaviour not for just our son, but any child, as do not believe our son is the only one that acts up at your nursery. If we do not receive the unused credit owed to us refunded back to our various childcare voucher schemes by the 25th June 2017, including the deposit, I will be consulting legal advice that part of my company schemes can provide me with.

That was the letter above, but my OH persuaded me it wasn’t worth me sending it, we already had said enough and my family history or any other issues were none of their business. I gave the nursery permission to fill in the ASQ questionnaire that the health visitor gave us, our answers were radically different, but the bit that hurt me the most is their belief my son has an awareness of sexual activity, such an unfounded claim. Eventually we did get a reply from the nursery to agree to refund us on Monday, 5 days after the suspension. I have found replacement childcare, my son has had a trial session today and it seemed to go OK, so will keep my fingers crossed. I have no problems with putting labels on a child that needs extra support, but feel it is very damaging to put a label on a healthy child that does not need it (let alone even go down the road of medicating a child that does not need it) and that is what I feel the nursery has been trying to do, not to support him, but to justify their reasons for not being able to manage his behaviour. Also to divert attention that something untoward was going on, seriously if there was those kind of concerns going on then report it straight to the local child protection officer rather than drag it out. Anyway, I have just found this whole experience unbelievable and shocking.


My Happy Pills

Dealing with my depressive fog and open mental wound

I had spent the last 5 months or so contracting in my new job and just been made permanent in the role when my uncle was taken ill from his nursing home. Unfortunately he had been bed bound with illnesses and falls throughout my pregnancy, I did get some opportunity to talk to him in a lucid state while I was pregnant with my son. However, towards the end of my last trimester his health was not getting any better despite my uncle trying to regain his independence, but he just couldn’t and never returned home. He had to be relocated to a nursing home after my son was born, I had a lot of my own health issues with my baby and myself going on too, and didn’t get to see that much of my uncle until my son was almost a year old. My mum took my son up to see my uncle when I was at work sometimes, but it was a long old trip for them both, but glad that my son may have brought some smiles to my uncle and distracted him from his pain. The first month into my new permanent role, my family had to make the decision to turn my uncle’s life support machine off and say their goodbyes. My father had already passed away as well 8 months previously.

One of the managers at the time caught me coming out of the toilets at work looking distressed, I just had enough of bad things happening in my life. I reluctantly accepted counselling, I knew I couldn’t go on as I was. I went once a week to see a counsellor, I always dreaded that I would remain silent and not have anything to say to the counsellor. However, that was far from the reality I had envisioned, the hour went quickly and I was always surprised how much I said and how on earth I got on to some subjects. I think in some ways it felt like that old saying ‘a weight had been lifted to get things off my chest’, but then sometimes I felt like I was going round in circles. I opened up about the repetitive molestation events I suffered with at the hands of a family member (somebody who fortunately passed away when I was 10 and is no longer in my life) when I was too young to know any boundaries, and ignorant to the fact that this responsible adult was taking advantage of me, that was the darkest and most difficult things for me to recall or even explain. I tried to talk about it objectively and distance myself to not get upset. To recall it is like being an observer or narrator in a film of my early life. I think the counsellor maybe saw a link with my treatment at work, all the life changes I have been through recently, new baby, new mum, family deaths, pushed out of work whether directly or indirectly and being made to sign a gagging order had reset a trauma trigger off within me. The new company I worked at had only signed me up for 6 sessions, the counsellor said I needed more and that I should see someone with more specialist training. My line manager offered that I could have more sessions, but I said I would get the specialist sessions that I needed from the NHS. I didn’t realise how bad I would feel after the counselling had ended, I just had dark thoughts, felt on edge and didn’t want to be alone near railways, especially difficult seeing as my commute to work involves that form of travel.

I couldn’t go on any longer like this and saw my own GP, who immediately prescribed me anti depressants. I was apprehensive about going on them, worried that I would become some zapped out zombie, but I just gradually became calmer and felt I was getting back to being me again. Of course, I am far from a perfect human being, and have relapses from time to time, underground lines and certain stations still make feel nervous at times and I can feel my heart racing, and I had to rely on coping mechanisms to get through it. Sometimes I probably feel stressed out by situations that others may find trivial. I should go back to talking therapy to develop better coping mechanisms, but at the moment it’s just not something I wish to do or have time for, and one day I will, especially if I feel as bad as I did when I first went to see the doctor on the day I was prescribed anti-depressants.

The doctor has talked about weaning me off my meds this summer as I have been feeling good for a while, but don’t think it will happen. Too much stress going on with my son’s behaviour, well nursery reports, starting school and now with a person I never met going too far with personal animosity. Still will try to stay strong, anti-depressants are not a sign of weakness, but taking good care of your well being like you would for any other part of your body.


Further introduction, my early days of Motherhood

So, I did a kind of brief intro about 5 blogs back, this time I thought I would summarise really the start of my motherhood journey. I became pregnant by surprise after thinking I never would, just always assumed I had fertility issues, never really confirmed as such, but I had a minor op on my womb a year before I fell pregnant, so who knows maybe that helped me conceive. Anyway, after the initial shock my partner and I were happy with the news although a little overwhelmed, and we did our best to get things prepared and right.

Pregnant businesswoman working on a laptop

I was happy with the job I was in and always hope to return to work after taking maternity leave, although I knew becoming a working mum would be a challenge and eventually hoped to move onto something that would stretch my capabilities more when the time was right, but I never anticipated the rough ride that I was going to get though. My pregnancy went relatively smoothly after a few initial concerns, however, work was just trouble. Trouble was everyone was concerned how overworked they were going to be in my absence and wouldn’t give it a second thought to how this would make me feel, so insensitive, at first maybe not consciously, but then it turned malicious. I mean I know I should have expected this, people only like to feather their own nests these days. However, I truly felt I was working in a nice environment with people that I could trust and that we did favours for each other, I had always been prepared to cover people in the team whatever the circumstances, and I hoped that individuals would be happy to do so for me as well for a small period of time (I was only going to take 6 months off), but no. If you are wondering why not just get someone into cover my role, I work in a very specialised role, where there is not an abundance of people with the required skills available and it takes time to train someone to do the role. I left work to go on maternity leave depressed when it should have been the happiest time in my life, I dreaded returning back to work from day 1 of my maternity leave and not for the right reasons. Most mums probably go through that they may feel like that they will miss their child and everything they might miss, those first milestones by being at work, but this is I just dreaded to returning to an awful atmosphere and of course I did have those feelings later as well, I wanted to be there for more of the firsts. I did my best for those first few weeks on maternity leave to put these thoughts of work out of my mind and concentrate bringing this new life living inside of me into the world, and start preparing everything, although no matter how prepared you think you are, you never are.


When life changed…

Yes, we were not prepared. I have to be honest my labour experience wasn’t the best, I think a night without my partner or any family on the early labour ward spoilt it. My early contractions were very painful, I had a lot of pain relief right from the start, found out that I was in back to back labour with no previous warnings that my baby was in this position, everything was suppose to be normal. I remember having gas & air and not reacting very well to it, and throwing up as my mum walked into the ward to be reunited with me in the early hours of the morning. I was glad to see her as she stopped me from choking on my own vomit as no midwives were around and she took control of the situation, with my partner looking on, guilty and helpless, bless him. I do apologise if I make labour sound horrid, it’s just my experience and one that I wished went better. Things did get better once we got up onto the delivery suite, although the medical staff decided it was best I had an epidural as was not coping with the contraction pain in my back, although this probably made my labour longer, first labours usually are anyway.

Unfortunately, I had a maternal fever in labour and most likely had an infection, I did get antibiotics whilst in labour, but my son still wasn’t well once he made his first appearance into the world. He was sleepy, had a low body temperature and not feeding well, and I was very much in pain and delirious, not a good combination. My son showed signs of infection and was put on IV antibiotics. After initially not feeding well he soon made up for it and had a voracious appetite, one unfortunately I couldn’t cope with the demand even more so after we got back from our 5 day stay in hospital. I also found out that my father had recently been diagnosed with lung cancer, I had ambivalent feelings towards my father, he was never a model father, but he was always there, but never one to learn from his mistakes, which infuriated me. Still I didn’t wish this news on him and there was nothing I could do. I never got to see him before he passed away as I was in a predicament with a newborn baby that had just got over a potentially serious neonatal infection, treated for suspected sepsis, he had been so lucky that it never turned into anything serious and I didn’t drive, my father lived too far away and I suffered with spd postnatally for 3-4 months.


Dark times

Things didn’t get much better after we returned home, my son was feeding a lot, but he was not happy with it, his naps became erratic. He threw up more, and not just spitting up. I don’t really feel I got the support I needed off of the NHS, we eventually got a diagnosis of mild reflux and was given medicine for him, which helped a bit, and we did our best with doing our own research to help him. However, it was a struggle with a baby who didn’t sleep well and was not happy being fed. My son did become a happier baby a few months before I had to return to work, but a few things spoilt that time, a landlady wanting to hike up the rent on our flat, but paying a letting fee for the privilege of agreeing to it and drawing up a new contract. As the place was not exactly perfect, it seemingly was when we first moved in, but we had very noisy neighbours above, a pet rabbit poo problem on the balcony, so we never really used it and issues with me leaving a pushchair in the communal hallway for a tiny bit of the day before my partner came back home from work. So, we decided to say no to renewing, even though she was aware of these issues, she sent us a no fault eviction letter and gave us 2 months to find somewhere else, which was charming, we quickly found a very small house to move into. We have been reasonably happy living there for around the last 3 years.

A few weeks of my maternity leave were taken up with the stress of moving again rather than enjoying quality time with my baby. I was sad to leave my little one as those last 2 months of leave I really felt I just started to see a happy baby and now I had to leave him. His settling in sessions at nursery didn’t go well, he didn’t like to be apart from me one bit, although I tried to get him settled in. Lucky for me, my mum was happy to look after him for me instead, which she did for the first 2 years almost. I am very lucky she is retired.

I returned to work, I did my best to take no notice of the icy atmosphere, but then finally just as I was thinking maybe things were settling down. My son was better at napping and had almost outgrown his reflux issues, so in theory could cope with going on longer journeys. I thought finally I would take him to see my dad and I knew it probably be a goodbye. However, he died a few weeks or so after I thought of the possibility and a month after I returned to work. Then trouble started again, my attendance was being monitored by the company, I had taken time off for illness and bereavement. I was reminded absence was a burden on the company, I snapped and I left. The union sorted out a pay deal, although that was the right thing to do, I just wanted to return to my job without all this bother. It was a difficult dark time and stress took its toll on my health for a while.

Things got worse, before they got better

However, I immediately started contracting work within a month of leaving my previous company, my only wish was that extra month I got to spend with my son, which was great, was filled with less worry. I was made a permanent employee after 5 months of doing contract work for them. Shortly into this I lost another family member, a dear uncle, that had always helped my family out and was a rock, and deserved so much more than he got out of life, I just thought things were never going to get any better and that I might head for a breakdown. I have to say the company I work for now have been the complete opposite, offered counselling and allowed me time to go to these appointments, and have been understanding during times of illnesses or when my childcare has fell through and it has made a world of difference. I am now on anti depressants, unfortunately the counselling did not work for me, but I appreciated the company’s support. After being fearful of going on anti depressants I have to say they have done me a world of good, and I am not a drained zombie zapped of all emotion without coherent thought (OK the last bit some of you might question lol). I may return to talking counselling when I feel I am ready for it.


New beginnings

My confidence had took a severe battering after all these life changes, motherhood, repetitively moving house, adjusting to a new area, returning to work after an extended absence, bereavement, leaving job, starting new job, and mental health issues. However, now I feel it is returning and new beginnings will happen.

Links for reflux survival guide & tips:

Links for maternity discrimination:

Links for bereavement:

Bereavement Leave and Your Rights Article:

NHS Bereavement Guide:

Links for maternal mental health: