Drained

Wednesday 12th July 2017

Feeling drained, finally had the health visitor round for a home visit yesterday. Let me say I had to reiterate a lot of things that went on that I rather be moving on with, but at least I got confirmation that no further referral is needed for my son in her opinion. He is just a normal, yet very active mischievous boy. I should crack open the champagne, but don’t quite feel like that as still working on the transition to primary school for him.

He had a stay and play session at his new school yesterday, not sure how it went, but there were no dramatic goodbyes when we left him and he seemed very excited when we collected him from the session. However, have no idea on how he responded to the teaching staff or other children. We have one last session next week before he starts his settling in week in September. A picnic party so let’s see how it goes.

My OH’s mum is in hospital again, to be honest that is getting exhausting dealing with that. However, in between my OH being completely stretched with that and trying to spend some time with us as well, and the drama of two months ago. I am now looking forward to finally taking my boy to visit a farm this weekend, a place we have been meaning to take him for ages, but always never happened. Hoping we can take our mind off of things and enjoy our day there.

My Happy Pills

Dealing with my depressive fog and open mental wound

I had spent the last 5 months or so contracting in my new job and just been made permanent in the role when my uncle was taken ill from his nursing home. Unfortunately he had been bed bound with illnesses and falls throughout my pregnancy, I did get some opportunity to talk to him in a lucid state while I was pregnant with my son. However, towards the end of my last trimester his health was not getting any better despite my uncle trying to regain his independence, but he just couldn’t and never returned home. He had to be relocated to a nursing home after my son was born, I had a lot of my own health issues with my baby and myself going on too, and didn’t get to see that much of my uncle until my son was almost a year old. My mum took my son up to see my uncle when I was at work sometimes, but it was a long old trip for them both, but glad that my son may have brought some smiles to my uncle and distracted him from his pain. The first month into my new permanent role, my family had to make the decision to turn my uncle’s life support machine off and say their goodbyes. My father had already passed away as well 8 months previously.

One of the managers at the time caught me coming out of the toilets at work looking distressed, I just had enough of bad things happening in my life. I reluctantly accepted counselling, I knew I couldn’t go on as I was. I went once a week to see a counsellor, I always dreaded that I would remain silent and not have anything to say to the counsellor. However, that was far from the reality I had envisioned, the hour went quickly and I was always surprised how much I said and how on earth I got on to some subjects. I think in some ways it felt like that old saying ‘a weight had been lifted to get things off my chest’, but then sometimes I felt like I was going round in circles. I opened up about the repetitive molestation events I suffered with at the hands of a family member (somebody who fortunately passed away when I was 10 and is no longer in my life) when I was too young to know any boundaries, and ignorant to the fact that this responsible adult was taking advantage of me, that was the darkest and most difficult things for me to recall or even explain. I tried to talk about it objectively and distance myself to not get upset. To recall it is like being an observer or narrator in a film of my early life. I think the counsellor maybe saw a link with my treatment at work, all the life changes I have been through recently, new baby, new mum, family deaths, pushed out of work whether directly or indirectly and being made to sign a gagging order had reset a trauma trigger off within me. The new company I worked at had only signed me up for 6 sessions, the counsellor said I needed more and that I should see someone with more specialist training. My line manager offered that I could have more sessions, but I said I would get the specialist sessions that I needed from the NHS. I didn’t realise how bad I would feel after the counselling had ended, I just had dark thoughts, felt on edge and didn’t want to be alone near railways, especially difficult seeing as my commute to work involves that form of travel.

I couldn’t go on any longer like this and saw my own GP, who immediately prescribed me anti depressants. I was apprehensive about going on them, worried that I would become some zapped out zombie, but I just gradually became calmer and felt I was getting back to being me again. Of course, I am far from a perfect human being, and have relapses from time to time, underground lines and certain stations still make feel nervous at times and I can feel my heart racing, and I had to rely on coping mechanisms to get through it. Sometimes I probably feel stressed out by situations that others may find trivial. I should go back to talking therapy to develop better coping mechanisms, but at the moment it’s just not something I wish to do or have time for, and one day I will, especially if I feel as bad as I did when I first went to see the doctor on the day I was prescribed anti-depressants.

The doctor has talked about weaning me off my meds this summer as I have been feeling good for a while, but don’t think it will happen. Too much stress going on with my son’s behaviour, well nursery reports, starting school and now with a person I never met going too far with personal animosity. Still will try to stay strong, anti-depressants are not a sign of weakness, but taking good care of your well being like you would for any other part of your body.

My not so anonymous rant!

I have seen a few messages on here lately thinking why do they bother with ‘such a name’ mum social type app? Well, it is not so much a criticism of the site or app, but more generally. I am a working mum trying to set up a few regular monthly weekend mummy socials for working mums, although I welcome all mums. As you must know if you live in a big town suitable family friendly venues get busy on the weekends, so I have asked people to confirm their attendance as it may be best for me to reserve a table. However, you either get no response or someone says why don’t you move it to Monday? I am sorry, but that annoys me like I have all the time in the world to work my schedule around all your needs, if you want a meet on a Monday, then suggest one yourself. To be honest I did do one during the week on my day off from work a few weeks back and it was no more popular than the ones I have tried to do on weekends or bank holidays. I am sorry there has been this you must have to do a softly, softly approach, some mums are shy and anxious, well I know how that feels as I suffer from nerves myself, but think some mums are being just thoughtless, ha! I don’t mind the lack of responses, it’s the ones that agree and are no shows and never say anything one way or another, it is like talking to a brick wall! Have the notifications been sorted on ‘such, and such’ a site/app? Yes, probably have and my first thoughts are probably right ha! Makes me wonder, sorry rant over, I will persevere, but bloody good sign already that this mummy social will be a success and that I will get on with these mothers, ha!

How to host a Mummy Play date?

Something in the Gene Pool?

Monday 6th March 2017

Asshole people on buses haha

I visited my mum this weekend, and that was pleasant enough, apart from my son and I were getting over another unpleasant illness again, and I think this time I actually coped less. We only planned to stay one night at my mum’s, but stayed another night as I already decided I was not going to work on Monday as needed another day to recover and my son was sick on Saturday night as well, he seems OK now, just has a cough left like me. However, I couldn’t face the long journey home on Sunday night.

Yet, our long journey back on the bus on Monday made me grumpy instead, first I get asked on the initial bus journey to the town centre we have to take to get back home do I have to pay for my son? I have never been queried about his age before, and I reply he is under 5, bus driver looks dumbfounded, I say I don’t have to pay for him he is under 5. My mum responds to the driver he is 3, he then says why didn’t she say that, what a rude ass I think. I say to him didn’t know he needed a child-rate card yet, I mean one that proves he doesn’t have to pay.

So, yes that was the first asshole of the day.

We get to the town centre, I don’t bother to say thanks to the driver (out of town thing, but I normally do when they are not assholes!) when we get off of the bus. We stopped for lunch and a toilet break as the next bus journey is over an hour long. We wait for the next bus, it arrives and no one seems to want to get off, I step on about to ask for a single, then I see a delayed horde of people wanting to get off. I then say to the driver hang on a minute, people are getting off, I will get off the bus and step back to allow them to get off. Some deranged woman with a greasy mop of hair starts having a go at me, about letting people off the bus first, I had enough of these retards and say I have got off the bus stupid! Something like that, I am just thinking is there something in the gene pool where my mum lives, all I am going to say is Garden Cities!

I would have a better day going to work haha!

Not a Saccharine Mum

Warning! SPOILER ALERT – Bitch blog, no not really, but as I have started to process my own thoughts and experiences into a blog, I have been reading more mummy blogs to get an idea of other women’s experiences. Of course, all our experiences of motherhood and this journey into it will be unique. However, jeez, everything isn’t so perfect or positive, and afraid my blog isn’t for the faint hearted, I do not put a positive spin on everything, sometimes life is really shit and let’s just be honest enough to say that it is, OK with humour when possible, yet it is fine if one day humour doesn’t live here anymore.

I never understood the saccharine sweet mums, never, never, having babies isn’t all wonderful, it is bloody hard work and yet there are moments of joy of course along the way. Maybe I come across as a moaning ninny haha, well sometimes I am, but I am nothing, but honest. I didn’t get that warm glow of love when my son was born, I had a burning sensation between my legs though. I clearly remember thinking at one point I am not going to push anymore, I give up, then changed my mind and thought lets get on with it and get it over and done with, and finally the astonishment that this new life came from me. I think I was in disbelief for a day or two, just like when my test first revealed I was pregnant. Honestly, the love between my son and me was a slow burn, I got the responsibility, I always got that, and it was a life changer, one sometimes I couldn’t cope with. At times I wanted to run away, wanted my old life back, but now I cannot imagine what to do with the free time I had a little bit more of (OK, sometimes I do) and a son that makes me laugh, and tries my patience at the same time. I will never imagine what that instant love feels like when a baby is born, I didn’t experience it, it took a lot longer for me to feel it, and almost a year of knowing my son. Also it started blossoming a month or two before I went back to work, I didn’t take the full year off as I couldn’t afford to, but in hindsight I wish I had despite the lack of money.

I looked forward to getting back to the routine of work as I really am not cut out for the stay at home mum routine, I do not enjoy mummy social circles, although really did try with that. The thing that was the most difficult part was my son was a very clingy, Velcro baby and I couldn’t bear the anguish of him not being happy when I left him. Really this is not me being just an overanxious mum, but the first nursery really did not cope with him so that did not fill me with confidence, the next childminder we tried showed herself to be more promising, but then couldn’t handle his terrible twos behaviour and kept calling us out of work to collect him, even though he wasn’t ill. Finally the nursery he now attends has cracked it, it’s not been a perfect experience, but he settled in much better than I anticipated there, and they have worked better with us than any of the others. It really pleases me now when I leave him there that I can see he enjoys the experience. However, the lack of good childcare has really been astounding, God knows how they will cope when this UK government roll out 30 free hours childcare out in a year’s time? Yes, not bitter I am missing out on it haha If I knew what I did now I would have prepared things a lot differently before going back to work. I would have used my annual leave to go back part time for the first month or two, so both of us could have got use to the transition of me going back to work and my son being cared for by someone else in a more gradual way. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but pretty useless haha I am also jealous of those whose return to work seemingly appearing for it to be a breeze, I guess it must be possible, but to me that would just seem like a work of fiction.

Our routine is more or less stable and good now, but don’t be scared to say everything isn’t alright and talk, be honest and seek help & support if you need to from a close friend or member of the family or even a health professional as being a working mum isn’t easy, in fact, being any kind of mum isn’t.