I am not very good at remembering my dreams, but every now and then one will stick in my memory and they either are very pleasant or mainly it’s the odd or strange ones that I remember.
I think recent events have put these thoughts in my mind, and I dreamed that I was going to visit the place where I was first abused. The old flat and it’s dark eerie hallway that lead to the front door still haunts me to this day. My dad was helping his relative to do his food shopping and I think my dad didn’t have his car at the time, and I walked with him to the place. I was very young and getting tired, and didn’t want to go back out and wanted to rest. The family relative said ‘it’s OK’ to my dad, ‘I will look after her’, and my dad asked ‘are you sure?’, and the person replied, ‘yes, she will be fine’. I immediately went after my dad as he left and shut the door, I ran to the hallway and regretted not going with him as my fate was sealed then, and things would never be the same.
In my dream I was visiting this place again, I never got into the flat although for some reason in the dream I wanted to face it, yet my conscious mind was fighting this will to face this place. I am pretty sure my subconscious self was confident that my abuser was still dead, however, my conscious mind was not so sure or was scared on what I would find once I got inside. Half the building was being demolished, in reality it may even be demolished now as I know they have plans to do this to a lot of the buildings in the area as it is due for regeneration and I haven’t visited the place where I grew up for sometime now. I didn’t get further than looking at the outside of the half demolished building, I am not sure what I would have faced if the dream continued whether it would be ominous or closure, part of me feels it wouldn’t be the closure that my dream self was craving.
I think recent events with my son’s nursery and their statements, and the new childminder that didn’t work out either and threatened us as well, have brought these events to the forefront of my mind. I don’t normally have dreams about these events, far and few in between. I have been sad and depressed at times about what occurred, but I don’t have many dreams about it.
So far I have read that demolition symbolises a change that is taking part or facing some disturbance or distress in your waking life, both of which are certainly true. I have also read demolished buildings refer to a bunch of feelings connected to a recent conflict, and whatever upset you is not real and should give in, and make peace. Warning that also you may not be the one who wants to initiate the reconciliation, but would be the winner if you do. Well, I certainly don’t want to give in or make peace with anyone that has upset me recently or brought past events to the forefront of my mind, but I do want to move on and getting help for my son if he needs it will be a start, but still uncertain that he does need any special help. However, it has been hard for me not to relapse, panic and shutdown over what had been said, people say you need to tell yourself you’re safe and no one is here to harm you any longer, but I didn’t feel safe at all. I felt what they call ‘hyperarousal’ or ‘hypervigilance’ and no, it is not a good feeling and is the opposite of good. I am slowly calming down from this state and hoping for a fresh start eventually.