2017 so far

It has been over a year now since my OH got made redundant, and I am proud that he was able to secure another job so quickly and has recently got a temporary promotion. One dark cloud has been lifted, but 2017 has been a so so year for us, with more ups and downs than a rollercoaster. OH’s mum has been in and out of hospital like a yo-yo pretty much all year, after my son’s heart scare was clear and that anxiety was out of the way, his behaviour began deteriorating with all childcare providers and now not even settling into school well, despite these troubles we can see real progress and leaps in his development at home. The mystery is his behaviour for us has been a lot better than it has been for ages, yes, there are some negative moments interspersed along the way, but nothing like school is telling us. I have had him assessed by a paediatrician who thinks nothing is medically wrong, so completely stumped as the school has finally excluded him (one day suspension) and I fear this will just get the ball running on that, and will be one of many. I am not completely happy with the way school has handle things, and yes you might as well say either blame the boy or his parents, but I really don’t believe in this school’s tough love approach. 

Really at the end of our tether about this, OH is under a lot of pressure as he is trying to make a good impression in his new role and I am trying to fulfil the hours I am suppose to do at work, and feel I am just managing to fulfil that part of the bargain.

Overall had such a awful start to my son’s school, despite our best efforts, plus other negative things that have happen during living in our current location. I want to move and my partner agrees, it’s just finding a place and hoping we can find a school that is more suitable for him. I do not believe a move is going to magically solve things, but think we all just need a fresh start. I was honest with my son’s current school with our moving intentions and that he is only staying on at school until the end of this term, and unbelievably they told us not to move, do schools control all aspects of your life these days, from nosey home visits, constant scrutiny and deciding whether you can move house or not?!?!?

Still where possible trying to remain positive, although difficult with things constantly trying to bring us down.

Family shot with Peter Rabbit
Threading beads, yep, he does concentrate sometimes
LO and mummy on our half term adventure
Building towers at Softplay
Pumpkin Patch visit and our lanterns
My son’s poppy remembrance card
Progress at gymnastics


Worth the wait

I read somewhere once that mums make terrible friends, possibly we do. We have little time for people apart from our children, much worse at answering our phones, well I know I am, and holding lengthy conversations on them. Most of my communication these days is done by emails and short bursts of messages either via text or FB. Social arrangements may have to change at short notice due to lack of childcare or illness, either yourself or your child. However, for those friends that matter to you, you will do your best to keep in contact even if it is more sparse than it use to be.

However, making new mummy friends for myself has been a dead end street, and I have to say I am tired of deja vu experiences. I gave up on my last social today when I got the usual bailing out messages at the last minute, who knows maybe some of the excuses were genuine. To be honest, I had a beginnings of a migraine come on (been fighting it all day actually), my son has been grumpy from a suspected ear infection, woke us all up early and I thought despite the nice day I couldn’t go through with social niceties with strangers with the one mum that made an effort or didn’t ha! I do feel sorry for the mums that genuinely want to meet and apologise to any mums like that today, but those who chicken out or sign up to events until something better comes along in their dull social calendar I cannot be bothered with, fed up with hearing that repetitive record stuck in the groove and same old story. Sorry, Madonna (nice link, either mother of mothers or I am stuck in the eighties).

So done with the experiment, back to my initial thoughts on organic friendships and what will be will be, done with mummy dating. It may have been less annoying, the continual lack of effort that is if I had more time or may have actually been more depressing if I was a SAHM. However, I have a busy week of work, childcare shared between nursery and my mum, making time for son, partner and the few family members we have left. Filling our weekends with things to do with our son, seeing family and making time for old true friends of ours. My son is at a more interesting age where I have someone to talk to, I say that and mean that as it is fascinating to see and engage with them on their perspective on the world around them. I am happy he is capable of making his own playmates. Just because you meet another mummy with similar aged children doesn’t mean you or their children are going to get on. Some say keep trying you will get there, but it is a lot of pressure to put yourself under, and I resent the time and wasted effort as well as it is my family time, and the only real free time I have is weekends.

I value my family time and will concentrate my efforts on getting fitter for my family, rather than spending another minute on mummy socials.

If you have found a good supportive mummy network to be around then you are truly lucky, blessed, etc. and I am jealous, just a little bit. However, I love my own family time and quite happy just the 3 of us, it is precious, and happy with my own company too. I am a introvert and loner by nature, I am happy with just a few special people in my life. My only one worry is if at some point I loss any more support from my family as have been unlucky in recent years, an old school friend’s husband, who was considerably young recently passed away, yesterday in fact (correction: last Friday) and that scares me and another old school friend’s mum passed away last year. I can cope with losing my father, although the timing was less than perfect, my son’s first year of life and what fucked me up more is not being able to show my son to him before he died or say goodbye. Then my uncle later that same year, and it was like not again, but a life partner and your mum doesn’t bear thinking about. Don’t get me wrong dads are not less special, just personally the relationship with my own father was up and down, I feel a tinge of sadness, but other memories make me bitter too. Not good to think morbidly, but would have to cross that bridge if we ever unluckily come to it, but I hope not. Still I aim high, true friends will come to those that wait. If you are in a similar position, I am sure they will come to you, the ones worth waiting for that is.

Exactly see link below, and now time for a gulp of wine 🙂

Truth in the last sentence, but hence why loners learn to love their own company

The Non Maternal Mum?

That was me in the beginning. I never craved having a family, never got in a position on a date of scaring a man off by saying I wanted to have his babies (well not literally anyway) haha


Then I met the love of my life, hehe, my OH will know why I am using that phrase. Our relationship was a bit whirlwind, we fell in love fast, and we certainly enjoyed each other’s company enough to make a baby. It was an unexpected surprise, little bit of a shock too, it took a while for it to actually sink in for me that I really was pregnant. I didn’t get excited that much about it until the end of my pregnancy, only then did I allow myself to buy a few baby things. I guess a part of it is I didn’t want to tempt fate for anything to go wrong. My mother had lost two babies and had problems with having boy babies in particular, and I was due to have a boy.

I spoke to my OH at times throughout the pregnancy that I was concerned how I might feel as I have never really been a maternal person or had a burning desire to have children. I was concerned how I would feel once my baby was born. When my son was born I didn’t feel the rush of love a lot of women say they get, to be honest I felt numb, not sure how I felt or how to describe it. I was in awe of what happened, and the baby laying next to me in one of those NHS transparent plastic cots had grown inside of me and was now really my son, and yes I was a mother? Yes, another lot of disbelief, I knew I had a duty/obligation, but no instant love there.

Over time love grows stronger

The aim of this blog is to reassure those who may feel like this, that it doesn’t last forever, and feelings change. The instant warm glow of love isn’t always there, for us the bond grew over time, to be honest sometimes so much so that my son is inseparable. All I will say is talk through your feelings with someone you trust, don’t be hard on yourself, get breaks from your lo when you need as exhaustion is a mood killer, love will grow and seek professional help if you need it.